this school year is such a mess. nothing is the way i'd hoped it would be. there's so much work that i can't even concentrate on the material. my brain has no grounding, and i constantly feel as though there's a rock in my chest.

i want to cry... summer was a dreamland, an oasis. and now i'm lucky if i get a moment to myself or to be with him how i want, when i want. visits have become as forced as partings. i cry every time we have to leave each other deep into the night until my lungs feel bruised.

i think about him every day all day. everything reminds me of him. i get home from school and sleep to get to the weekend faster. he's breaking quickly and there's nothing i can do out here but send him little emoticons. i feel like screaming.

the bullying and alienation has started again. i haven't felt this way since grade seven. that feeling you get that you know that everyone is sick of putting up with you and you just want to hide under a rock because you can feel their resentment from where you're sitting, and you can hear their snide remarks. even my best friend has become wary of me.

i'm hearing those voices again that tell me to be violent and hateful to fight it all away. i feel like a kid all over again instead of feeling all grown up. there's nothing solid to hold onto. everything is sand in my grip. everything is smoke in my eyes. and from what i can tell it's the exact same feeling for him and he is breaking faster than i am, and there's nothing i can do but love him so hard it hurts and pray he can feel it all those miles away.

there's a rock in my chest that won't go away, and a woodpecker in my throat that is always hungry.

and it's not even winter yet. i hope i can make it through this winter with my sanity, because so far it seems as though i'll have to sacrifice it if i want to live.


where is the earth?